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Old 01-11-2007, 01:06 PM   #1
falcongtho3
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Updates to Mach 1 terminology...

In the better than four years I've owned my Mach 1 it has become apparent that there are tings on our cars which have a function other than what they were originally designed for. These are the ones I've observed and if anyone has similar experiences which they would like to add to the list, please feel free to do so;

Original Item Description: Rear Deck Spoiler
New Item Descripton: Rear Deck Lid mounted water container. This item can retain water from a simple car wash or rain in a way that a camel only dream of. There could possibly be aquatic life existing in mine as it car apparently hold water until the next rain or car wash.

Original Item Description: Traction Control
New Item Description: That Stupid Button on the Center Stack. This is Fords sick version of an intiation prank gone horribly wrong. Capable of roller coaster class terror on it's first activation, it is also probably capable of knocking out teeth to those who are unaware of its villany.

Original Item Description: Simulated Side Mounted Brake Scoops
New Item Description: Side Mounted Dirt Catchers. These ornamental scoops were designed by the same scientists who designed the Bussard Ram Scoop collectors on the Warp Nacells on the USS Enterprise. Capable of trapping the most minute particles when any forward velocity is established, they are equally frustrating to clean...an eventually useless effort if the car is to ever be driven in the future.

Original Item Description: Seat Belts
New Item Description: Road Rage Straps. Designed to hold the occupants car in place in an accident, these cunningly designed items will jam at any oppotunity causing the very accidents they were designed to help in. In addition they will fail to retract when ever the door is opened, so that when the door is closed the seat belt will manage to sick out past the door causing even more aggravation.

Original Item Description: Seat Belt Guide Loop
New Item Description: Stupid Piece of Plastic. Designed to guide the belt into the proper angle, it is actually only used keep the seat belt for any possible use and will enhance the jamming capabilities of the above item.

Original Item Description: Leather Seat Inserts
New Item Description: Leather Wrinkle Panels. These once smooth panels that flank the simulated knitted vinyl on the seats take on the texture of crumple up aluminum foil when exposed to either sunlight or the weight of the rear end of anyone heavier than Nicole Ritchie.

Oringinal Item Description: Engine Compartment
New Item Description: The Deadly Black Hole. Housing the Mach 1's power plant it also incorporates a dirt generator as well as the sharpest edged metal knwon to mankind, allowing not only blood to be spilled at the very idea of checking the oil but grinding into that wound a type of dirt never previously seen by humankind.

Original Item Description: Fuel Gauge
New Item Descripton: Stupid Fuel Gauge. Only good for indicating when the fuel tank might be close to empty, or pegging out when the tank has been filled, any simliarities in between it and the actual fuel tank level is totally accidental and unintended.

Hope you learned something...enjoy...
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Old 01-11-2007, 01:25 PM   #2
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Re: Updates to Mach 1 terminology...

Too funny!
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Old 01-11-2007, 01:33 PM   #3
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Re: Updates to Mach 1 terminology...

Well Said
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Old 01-11-2007, 01:42 PM   #4
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Re: Updates to Mach 1 terminology...

Nice I liked it a lot
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Old 01-11-2007, 01:49 PM   #5
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Re: Updates to Mach 1 terminology...

Well put!:LAUGH:
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Old 01-11-2007, 01:55 PM   #6
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Re: Updates to Mach 1 terminology...

chin spoiler=curb feeler/tells you how f'd up driveways to shopping centers are
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Old 01-11-2007, 01:59 PM   #7
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Re: Updates to Mach 1 terminology...

Loved it... too funny, you need to take that act on the road.
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Old 01-11-2007, 02:13 PM   #8
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Re: Updates to Mach 1 terminology...

Holy Cow! Thats Funny! :LAUGH:
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Old 01-11-2007, 02:58 PM   #9
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Re: Updates to Mach 1 terminology...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mach1Marauder View Post
It would never work in coonazz land! He didn't say a dang word about duck huntin'.
'Course not...I would never mention anyhting that involves automatic weapons...

Other terms...(Not trying to copy 64vslves, just neglected to include them originally)

Original Item Description: Front Air Dam
New Item Descripton: Dam* Air Dam. Item is designed to drag on any curb and muffle the sound of the front valance as it scrapes precious fiberglass against the concrete, eliciting various four letter words from the driver...some which sound like Dam

Original Item Description: Front Subframe Brace
New Item Description: Speed Bump Indicator. Desidned to enhance the stucture of the car, it actually makes horrible grating noises to indicate the least little speed bump or kerb.

Oringinal Item Description: Trunk Opening Well
New Item Description: Another Uncleanable Black Hole. Designed to route water away from the trunk opening, it also has the uncanny ability to retain all mater of dirt, leaves, and rail dust. Made of a material with the drying properties of quicksand, it is not only able to hold all matter of crud it is also cleverly designed to be virutally uncleanable due to the design of the hinge mechanism which will not allow the introduciton of any brush, cloth unsevered finger or any other item thicker than either a toothpick or the previously mentioned Nicole Ritchie.

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Old 01-11-2007, 03:08 PM   #10
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Thumbs up Re: Updates to Mach 1 terminology...

Great job. I just finished washing the Mach before I read this. The descriptions of the sharp metal in the engine compartment and the dirt collecting "brake vents" were right on. I laughed out loud.
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Old 01-11-2007, 03:22 PM   #11
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Re: Updates to Mach 1 terminology...

You hurt my cars feelings. Please say your sorry.
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Old 01-11-2007, 03:30 PM   #12
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Re: Updates to Mach 1 terminology...

Quote:
Originally Posted by 24kmach View Post
You hurt my cars feelings. Please say your sorry.
Ford Motor Co.

Hahaha, good one.
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Old 01-11-2007, 04:03 PM   #13
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Re: Updates to Mach 1 terminology...

Addenda -


Original Item Description: Intake resonator
New Item Description: Ugly Milk Jug. This item was provided by Ford engineering in conjunction with SEMA to promote the disease known as "Mod Sickness". It has no known function to the operatioon of the vehicle. As the easiest, cheapest and universally desireable possible modification to the mach 1, removal of this component and subsequent blocking off of the resulting hole in the intake serves as a "gateway" to further modifications.

Original Item Description: Clutch quadrant (self-adjusting)
New Item Description: Temporary placeholder for fixed aluminum quadrant+ firewall adjuster. This piece of [OEM equipment] is responsible for most "transmission" problems including missed shifts, difficult reverse selection, worn throw-out bearings and grinding synchros. Obviously never intended to remain on the car permanently, delayed replacement is the root cause for the aforementioned maladies.

Original Item Description: Oil level dipstick
New Item Description: Oil Level dipstick tube plug. Though marketed as a device to measure the crankcase oil level, in operation, the markings thereon have little to no correlation with actual proper oil level. The device serves mainly to prevent dust entering the crankcase through the tube it is installed in.

Original Item Description: Serpentine belt routing decal
New Item Description: flat spot on radiator shroud. Unlike most every other car on planet earth, the mach 1 comes from Ford with no convenient underhood routing diagram for the serpentine belt. Instead, owners of these cars are provided with a blank rectangular area to which their choice of decoration may be affixed.
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Old 01-11-2007, 04:47 PM   #14
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Re: Updates to Mach 1 terminology...

Quote:
Originally Posted by falcongtho3 View Post
Oringinal Item Description: Trunk Opening Well
New Item Description: Another Uncleanable Black Hole. Designed to route water away from the trunk opening, it also has the uncanny ability to retain all mater of dirt, leaves, and rail dust. Made of a material with the drying properties of quicksand, it is not only able to hold all matter of crud it is also cleverly designed to be virutally uncleanable due to the design of the hinge mechanism which will not allow the introduciton of any brush, cloth unsevered finger or any other item thicker than either a toothpick or the previously mentioned Nicole Ritchie.

I was actually doing this last weekend. I got it all cleaned up and then noticed the crap around the hinges. Couldn't get it with my hand, had the wife try, nope she couldn't either. WTF currently trying to find something skinny enough but strong enough to push a rag down there.
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Old 01-11-2007, 05:15 PM   #15
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Re: Updates to Mach 1 terminology...

Thanks for the addendums and for proving all these observations right. I was driving today and when I got out I noticed the spoiler leak...two days after it was washed. From there it all just came to me...here's more...

Original Item Description: Rear Deck Speakers
New Item Description: Rear Deck Bug Blockers. The Mach 460 rear speakers were originally designed to play a crackly, scratchy version of what we generally refer to as music. It's actual purpose is to make it completely impossible to get any hands, brushes or vacuum cleaners in that area on order to clean out the bugs which accumulate there over time. The only remedy to this is to never roll down your windows while driving.

Original Item Description: Rolled Stainless Steel Exhaust Tips
New Item Description: Stainless Steel Carbon Traps. The rolled S/S tips do not affect the sound or the performance aspect of the vehicle in any way, shape or form. They do, however, manage to keep any carbon particulate matter from escaping into the atmosphere by holding them at the rolled portion of the tip, making even the most pristine car look like a $50 hooptie in no time flat!

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Old 01-11-2007, 05:21 PM   #16
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Talking Re: Updates to Mach 1 terminology...

Quote:
Originally Posted by 64valves View Post
chin spoiler=curb feeler/tells you how f'd up driveways to shopping centers are
true oso true!!!! & at the whole thread !!!!
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Old 01-11-2007, 05:26 PM   #17
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Re: Updates to Mach 1 terminology...

Quote:
Originally Posted by hawkpilot View Post
Addenda -


....Original Item Description: Clutch quadrant (self-adjusting)
New Item Description: Temporary placeholder for fixed aluminum quadrant+ firewall adjuster. This piece of [OEM equipment] is responsible for most "transmission" problems including missed shifts, difficult reverse selection, worn throw-out bearings and grinding synchros. Obviously never intended to remain on the car permanently, delayed replacement is the root cause for the aforementioned maladies. .....
Now THAT is DEAD ON!!!! Whatta POS!!!


Another addition


Original Item Description: Manual Transmission Shifter Ball.
New Item Description: Right Hand Branding Tool. This devious (but innocent looking) device was claimed by Ford to be there to give you a comfortable grip when shifting gears. However, it is best know for searing the shift pattern into the palm of your hand, so you will always know what the pattern is supposed to be.
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Old 01-11-2007, 05:35 PM   #18
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Re: Updates to Mach 1 terminology...

Dang quirky `Stangs...Ya gotta love `em.

Original Item Description: Mach 460 CD6 sound system
New Item Description: A CD disposal device capable of consuming up to 6 of your store bought CD's. Make no attempt to retrieve them or you will engage the self-destruct mode and be forced to buy a salvage radio, or take out a second mortgage for the privilege of buying an NOS one from Ford.
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Old 01-11-2007, 05:57 PM   #19
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Re: Updates to Mach 1 terminology...

Quote:
Originally Posted by falcongtho3 View Post

Original Item Description: Rear Deck Speakers
New Item Description: Rear Deck Bug Blockers. The Mach 460 rear speakers were originally designed to play a crackly, scratchy version of what we generally refer to as music. It's actual purpose is to make it completely impossible to get any hands, brushes or vacuum cleaners in that area on order to clean out the bugs which accumulate there over time. The only remedy to this is to never roll down your windows while driving.

I have a dead bee back there that's been there since I bought the car...can it be considered "original equipment"?
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Old 01-11-2007, 06:54 PM   #20
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Re: Updates to Mach 1 terminology...

Works for me. I'm embarassed to say how long some of the tape for my temp tag stayed on the back window. No way to get to it!

Another...

Original Item Description: Tremec Transmisson
New Item Description: That Piece of Garbage (Nice Version). A flimsy aluminum container that houses a loose collection of parts rotating in generally the same speed and direction until they are asked to perform unintended tasks such as actually causing a car to move or stay assembled after the warranty period.
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Last edited by falcongtho3; 01-11-2007 at 08:50 PM.
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Old 01-11-2007, 08:42 PM   #21
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Re: Updates to Mach 1 terminology...

Quote:
Originally Posted by 71mach103 View Post
I have a dead bee back there that's been there since I bought the car...can it be considered "original equipment"?
thats funny i have 1 too been there since i bought the car and have had it to many shows
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Old 01-11-2007, 08:50 PM   #22
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Re: Updates to Mach 1 terminology...

My "rear window pet" is a horsefly. Been there since I can remember. I call him "Buster"... lol
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Old 01-11-2007, 08:52 PM   #23
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Re: Updates to Mach 1 terminology...

Quote:
Originally Posted by JDraper View Post

Original Item Description: Manual Transmission Shifter Ball.
New Item Description: Right Hand Branding Tool.
awww, yeah, I forgot that one, since I replaced it so soon after getting my car!
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Old 01-11-2007, 08:55 PM   #24
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Re: Updates to Mach 1 terminology...

Quote:
Originally Posted by machowner View Post
I was actually doing this last weekend. I got it all cleaned up and then noticed the crap around the hinges. Couldn't get it with my hand, had the wife try, nope she couldn't either. WTF currently trying to find something skinny enough but strong enough to push a rag down there.
Q tips.
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Old 01-11-2007, 08:59 PM   #25
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Re: Updates to Mach 1 terminology...

Another update:
Original name: Shaker scoop.
New name: Moron magnet
Supposed to duct fresh cool air into the air intake,
but mainly what it does is illicit retarded questions from Mullet wearers
such as:
"Is that a Supercharger?"
or "Why did you cut a hole in the hood of your GT?"
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